That Hypothetical Feeling

I've always wondered how it felt. I've always dreamed about it, I dreamed of how I could be the reason for your smile, how I could be the reason for that playful giggle, that teasing look.

I've always wondered how it felt. I have longed for the warmth of your embrace. I have been longing. Always waiting. Waiting for that moment that the sparkle in your eyes screams my name, waiting for that moment that I could be worthy.

I have always wondered how it felt. I have wondered how it felt to hear you call out my name, to feel the rush of holding your hands, to feel the blissful lightness of your hair brushing against my skin.

I have often wondered how it felt. That feeling of being loved back, of being needed of being yearned for. That feeling of reciprocity. Those feelings I've never felt.

My naivete is my downfall. I fill these gaps with what ifs and hypothetical feelings. A blanket of ethereal comfort. A deceitful warmth. An illusion.

Until that day comes when I actually feel, I'll still dream.

Dream of warmth and of love. Of how it might feel. Dream of fluttering butterflies in the stomach, of clammy hands, of teary eyes. I'd still dream of slipping that ring into your fingers.

I'd still dream of forever. With you.

Retrospect: 1st Minor Editing

Feb 26, '10 5:58 AM for everyone

I ride the Ikot jeep sparingly now. Maybe because it reminds me too much of you. It reminds me of those beautiful morning rides we used to have. Those moments where your hair danced in the wind, where your face was so full of life, where I could just forget everything else in the world. I cannot experience that anymore. 

I bitterly laugh at myself each time I catch myself staring at the building that was your stop. Back then, the jeep ride seemed too short. I always hoped the route never ended. I always hoped that time would suddenly slow down. I always hoped that you would look back at me as the jeep pulled away, waving your hands  and smiling. You never did. Though it was clear that I felt something and you did not; I still took those jeep rides. I simply thought that maybe, just maybe I could just be contented with us being friends and I would outgrow the feelings I had at the time. I never did.

I wondered why you never changed the way you talked to me after I told you how I felt. But that was only my assumption. I guess you changed, I only refused to see it. Those small changes lead to the fateful event a few nights before my birthday. The night that put a wall between our worlds, drawing the line on where I stand and where you are. I was running head-on into a brick wall, you said. I would only hurt myself if I would continue the things that I used to do. Forgive me if its not that accurate. Memories tend not to be remembered clearly if it were painful ones. Anyways, that was a real punch in the face; a reality I had to live with for the rest of my life.

There were many things I wanted to ask you that night, I was bursting with questions. I just could not spit it out. Maybe it would all be useless to ask them anyway. I just walked away. I felt that already knew the answers. Nothing in this world could make you change your mind.

But if you would ask me now how I feel, I would say I feel exactly the same way as I did the day I told you that I had feelings for you. I still feel exactly the same the day you told me to stop doing what I was doing. Nothing has changed with what I felt. The only things that changed are the circumstances that prevent me to express it out loud, to fully appreciate the wonders of the little things that made me feel what I felt and the way I treat you and everybody else. The world has changed around me. I did not.

I have been avoiding you, I've been avoiding people that remind me of you. I have been avoiding everything that makes forgetting how I felt for you very difficult. Still the feeling remains. A certain emptiness dwells inside me.

The Ikot is still a part of my life, just as you are. The unending loop of its route mirrors the unending need of people to love and to be loved back. But in my case it was just a one way trip.

Steamy Creamy Blue Waffle Explosion

Ideas arise from anything, anyone and arrives at any time. When you think that the world is dulled with the constant noise of people rushing with their lives, the world slows down and see ideas popping from every post.

Post: Traumatic Stress Delusions

I hate this. I hate this lingering feeling. I hate this lingering feeling of hope. Not that hope is bad but this hope stems from my pathological delusions of grandeur. Scratch that. It is not hope. Just a feeling of it. It is not real, just a phantom of a concept of hope. That phantom is haunting me. Lurking in the darkness of whichever abyss I threw those feelings into exile. Rearing its ugly head whenever I feel complacent, whenever I feel like there's nothing left.

I have returned to this place. I have returned to this place where the walls echo the past. I have returned to this place where the corridors are permanent reminders of something that was lost. Something that was lost because of the weakness I had. Something that was lost because I was lost in my own delusions. It was something that only I lost. Maybe because it was only me who was feeling that way.

Yes. Yes, I confess that it makes me smile. Yes, I confess that it makes me smile when I think of what could have been. Trapped in the dreamland of what-ifs. What-ifs. I have dreamed of a lot of what-ifs. When will I wake up? When will I escape the phantoms that haunt me?

I'll sleep in a while. Dreams here I come.

Renewed Vigor

This has been uploaded a lot of times before, but I couldn't just stop. Revisions are necessary for growth, for improvement.

Introspect

Over the course of this subject, I have learned quite a lot. I have learned to be more discerning on matters regarding teaching and the tools that can be used to teach. Different media can either be a blessing or a bane to teachers, so the use of them should require a lot of training for the instructional media to be utilized.

On a personal level, taking this course opened up a lot of creative windows for me. It tapped my interest in a lot of media, especially visual media. I am into photography. we all know that. haha. Seeing things in a different perspective should be one of the key things in visual media so the course helped me a lot in thinking about which pictures I would take or publish.

Wonderful things are always around you, you just need the right perspective to see them.

What I learned from this class is to be more discerning, to be critical and to use whatever resources I have. That helped me a lot throughout the semester. That will help me throughout my life.

But not everything I did about this course was right. I became selfish in regards to the report. I hogged it. Greediness came in.

A monster, I have become.

I just did not become the group leader I was supposed to be. I also became lazy and distracted.

Distractions, I have quite a lot of them.

Convoluted distractions.

I was lost in the chaos of my world, the upheavals in my head. I became numb. The semester nearly ended in me not doing anything substantial. I have not submitted an activity.

And at the end of the semester, things haunted me.

And the semester ended, with a lot of things now haunting me. The unsubmitted audio/video, an incomplete laboratory subject and a very bad feeling about my future. But I guess I have to keep on moving forward and face the consequences of my actions. Seek salvation.

Salvation.

I hope that in the future the mistakes I made this semester shall never be repeated. I hope I learned my lessons.

final requirements

evaluate yourself. email teacheryna. Hmmmm.

Snapshots

I'd like to share these:

hmmm.

Composure

I need to get things done. The sense of urgency to cram a lot of things is sinking in pretty fast. No, i don't have enough time to make things beautifully. All I could do are okay stuff. I think it is better having things being okay than having nothing at all.

Instructional Video!!! Let's get started!

This Is Cramming

a lot of work has to be done. I have not made my distance education post. I have no idea on why i have not done this. Well, I think I know why but I just cannot accept it. Again, I am distracted by these:

and these are not academic in nature. These are things that feed my craving for expression, my craving for improvement and my craving to have things that I could excel in. This is bad because I have let this, this addiction to photography, bring down my academic performance. Sorry.

Gimp Image Editor Manipulation Experiment ALPHA Phase 1 Variant 1

This online learning activity made me learn using GIMP in five whole minutes. I'm no expert but I think this makes the cut. :D

Hibernation Termination

I've been "sleeping" on the job of keeping this blog rolling. What kept me from doing this was plenty of distractions. Distractions that came in many forms and at different times.

First distraction: Adobe Lightroom 2.2

   This program gave me the chance to turn crappy pictures into less crappy ones. the products are posted at my tumblr site: http://captainfatsphotography.tumblr.com/

   Shooting a lot of pictures outside ate my time and my money. The camera I was using ate a lot of AA batteries. And those batteries are not cheap either.

Second Distraction: Photography

   My friend lending me her camera made things worse. Once I got hold of her old-ish Nikon E-6400, I have snapped almost 400 pictures in the span of two weeks. I walked while taking pictures of anything that caught my eye.


Third Distraction: Dorm Life

   As much as I enjoy living in the dormitory, it eats away almost all my time. A lecture here, a meeting there and a lot of time consuming dorm-mates. That makes for a lot of time spent not doing academic work.

Well, distractions aside, I've learned a lot of things. Well, mostly photography things. But that led me to question myself on what am I planning to do with these things that I have learned? Do I really want to teach? Why am I thinking this way? Is there something more to life? Is the burger I left in the fridge rotting? Why is the sky blue? Why does the sun go on shining? Why am I asking this?

Wanting to learn a lot of things is a great thing. I believe in that. I want to be a photographer (as of the writing of this post). I wanted to be an engineer once, I failed to be one. I wanted to be an astronaut, it won't happen. I want to change the lives of people. I hope I won't fail this one. And I know teaching is the best way to do this. I won't fail on being one. It's time to wake up.

I should wake up now.

Sneaking in a Muffin

Secretly writing something in a class is fairly easy. Unless of course the teacher is staring at your monitor the whole time. Like right now (3:15:29 January 7, 2010). Or one handed typing. or no look typing. What's more difficult is to make a sensible written testament of the difficulty of the task of writing without being detected.

 Muffins are one thing, ideas are another.

Sugar Rush

Planning takes time. It takes a lot of time. A select few of the human population could plan things out in less than the amount of time needed to write and publish a microblog without punctuation marks.

That being said, my botching the given Holiday Assignment of giving objectives is expected. I think, after listening to the discussion and the parade of criticism, that this aspect of my academic aspirations should be addressed immediately.

Objectives are really serious things and one should not toy with it. It takes a lot of consideration and thinking just to make an objective that makes sense. It includes a lot of factors/aspects/parts/appendages that practically prohibits any amount of cramming to be used. Unless you have the mental capacity of 30 professional teachers making a lesson plan simultaneously while drinking coffee after being told that their salaries are going to be tripled.

Again. The lesson that must be learned is that DO YOUR HOMEWORK ON TIME. How hard could that be? hmmm. I have never been able to do that. Never.

Why?

Partly because of arrogance and partly because of laziness.

I have been always this lazy. Or I'm just a superb procastinator. I barely submit my stuff on or before deadline. Lack of personal interest? Nope. That's not it. I am pretty much interested in the stuff I do. Then what is it? Maybe because I almost always make it. I almost always get it done. That is why I am arrogant.

So here's the plan:
  - Plan things out
  - Follow your plan
  - Follow your plan
  - Follow your plan

It can't be that hard.